I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Boobs speak an international language.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
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