Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Send us your Text From Last Night!
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Loading more great texts...