she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Send us your Text From Last Night!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Loading more great texts...