Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
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