We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Found your dick twin last night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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