I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
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