Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
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