He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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