Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
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