i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
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