asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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