Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
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