you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
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That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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