I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it's great music for shaving your balls
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all