Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
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her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
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