i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
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3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
a search helicopter?!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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