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Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My pussy is not your playground.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
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