i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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