Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
4 words: hood of his car
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
we made out on top of his cat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
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