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as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
no, he came in my armpit
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Even my vagina gasped.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it's like heaven, but drunker
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this will be a night to untag.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she pinky promised me she was 18
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Dignity is for republicans.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she told me i tasted like america
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
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