as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
no, he came in my armpit
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Even my vagina gasped.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
it's like heaven, but drunker
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it