And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Loading more great texts...