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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm having a debate with **** over whether or not he is gay... what's your verdict?
GAY or at the very least bisexual.
His "joking around" with all of his roommates is clearly as act. He needs to step back and reevaluate his sexual orientation.
Weird... you've rode him.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
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