my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
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