Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Loading more great texts...