He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
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