Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
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