Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Loading more great texts...