Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
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