Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Loading more great texts...