I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
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