The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There's always time for handjobs
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
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