He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
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we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
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