Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
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cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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