I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
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I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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