She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
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