I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She told me I should be a condom model.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts