He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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