Texts From Last Night · Gharyz's Favorites

Gharyz's Favorites Texts:

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?

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(916): View more from California

Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.

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(585): View more from New York

I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(360): View more from Washington

I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the night was just a blur of sex and pie

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(253): View more from Washington

It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(719): View more from Colorado

We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.

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(909): View more from California

When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.

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(850): View more from Florida

My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment

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(858): View more from California

I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that

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(248): View more from Michigan

My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween

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(716): View more from New York

I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.

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(209): View more from California

I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on

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(619): View more from California

Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo

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(443): View more from Maryland

I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner

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(714): View more from California

Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?

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(561): View more from Florida

Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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(602): View more from Arizona

How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?

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(530): View more from California

My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.

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(240): View more from Maryland

If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.

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(716): View more from New York

Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving

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(207): View more from Maine

But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..

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(281): View more from Texas

If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.

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(716): View more from New York

Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.

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(708): View more from Illinois

It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".

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(901): View more from Tennessee

"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."

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(613): View more from Ontario

So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.

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(913): View more from Kansas

This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day

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(810): View more from Michigan

He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.

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(248): View more from Michigan

"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.

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(661): View more from California

Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?

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(406): View more from Montana

He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS

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(712): View more from Iowa

I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on

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(801): View more from Utah

I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America

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(765): View more from Indiana

Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well

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(914): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted

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(217): View more from Illinois

Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!

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(647): View more from Ontario

you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'

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(216): View more from Ohio

it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio

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(310): View more from California

This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life

(562): View more from California

Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares

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(760): View more from California

Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going

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(917): View more from New York City

Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform

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(740): View more from Ohio

Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma

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(949): View more from California

Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.

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(305): View more from Florida

And then my night got REAL pukey

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(914): View more from New York

First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.

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(488): View more from

Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy

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(519): View more from Ontario

What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please

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(479): View more from Arkansas

It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.

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(925): View more from California

Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.

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(317): View more from Indiana

That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.

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(514): View more from Quebec

If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right

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(214): View more from Texas

She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

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(443): View more from Maryland

yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too

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(310): View more from California

My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"

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(925): View more from California

...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(518): View more from New York

Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different

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(443): View more from Maryland

You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.

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(773): View more from Illinois

yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"

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(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole

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(504): View more from Louisiana

It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.

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(917): View more from New York City

Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.

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(712): View more from Iowa

WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT

(1-712): View more from Iowa

PLEASE DON'T

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(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(845): View more from New York

There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!

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(317): View more from Indiana

i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

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(440): View more from Ohio

How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?

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(407): View more from Florida

For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.

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(407): View more from Florida

If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.

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(917): View more from New York City

currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"

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(760): View more from California

I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?

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(805): View more from California

We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(530): View more from California

I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.

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(516): View more from New York

I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday

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(940): View more from Texas

Did you leave ur panties in the sink?

(214): View more from Texas

Kitchen or bathroom?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?

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(301): View more from Maryland

At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions

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(515): View more from Iowa

I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos

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(915): View more from Texas

He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.

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(212): View more from New York

be right there i have to get my cape

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(315): View more from New York

well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that

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(425): View more from Washington

I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"

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(770): View more from Georgia

You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.

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(801): View more from Utah

Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?

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(702): View more from Nevada

HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!

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(323): View more from California

GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.

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(207): View more from Maine

No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.

(207): View more from Maine

What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.

(615): View more from Tennessee

BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life

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(203): View more from Connecticut

YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says

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(630): View more from Illinois

I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"

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(619): View more from California

AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.

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(323): View more from California

I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all

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(585): View more from New York

I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage

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(330): View more from Ohio

If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.

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(805): View more from California

I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.

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(938): View more from

I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins

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(858): View more from California

He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone

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(516): View more from New York

Gotcha. How bad is it?

(631): View more from New York

Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass

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(989): View more from Michigan

yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate

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(714): View more from California

I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.

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(818): View more from California

It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket

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(613): View more from Ontario

Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress

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(501): View more from Arkansas

His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys

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(206): View more from Washington

I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So like, boobs.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

are you really going to start every conversation like that?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We need a shit load of segways right now

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(801): View more from Utah

Why is your solution always to masturbate

(1-801): View more from Utah

Because it usually works

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You can wear anything you want

(704): View more from North Carolina

So... Naked it is then

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(817): View more from Texas

When was the last time you wore pants?

(214): View more from Texas

Time is relative.

(214): View more from Texas

And pants are optional.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS

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(425): View more from Washington

I think my nap took me to another dimension

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(509): View more from Washington

you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to

(702): View more from Nevada

It's true

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus

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(860): View more from Connecticut

grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S

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(708): View more from Illinois

There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.

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(710): View more from

my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

You gift wrapped a tampon.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...

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(914): View more from New York

I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset

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(530): View more from California

Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.

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(812): View more from Indiana

dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck

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(301): View more from Maryland

she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring

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(845): View more from New York

You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

askmom@cause.idk

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(309): View more from Illinois

Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant

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(630): View more from Illinois

The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.

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(530): View more from California

Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(302): View more from Delaware

well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall

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(361): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...

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(631): View more from New York

I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm honored.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just hope I don't wheeze during sex

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(585): View more from New York

I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.

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(916): View more from California

She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.

(510): View more from California

See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"

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(206): View more from Washington

No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.

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(517): View more from Michigan

how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind

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(630): View more from Illinois

come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.

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(805): View more from California

Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Is being in jail an excusable absence?

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(630): View more from Illinois

your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.

(630): View more from Illinois

also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?

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(970): View more from Colorado

He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits

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(586): View more from Michigan

Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus

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(562): View more from California

Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(914): View more from New York

answer my text you professional douchebag

(914): View more from New York

and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!

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(432): View more from Texas

I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?

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(330): View more from Ohio

can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism

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(940): View more from Texas

See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.

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(518): View more from New York

We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential

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(408): View more from California

I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths

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(713): View more from Texas

He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.

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(425): View more from Washington

That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?

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(626): View more from California

Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Of course I have a pirate flag

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.

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(831): View more from California

my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?

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(469): View more from Texas

I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.

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(818): View more from California

what are you going as for halloween?

(805): View more from California

drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power

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(702): View more from Nevada

one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg

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(714): View more from California

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.

(865): View more from Tennessee

Spopky scrzy skeletonssz

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

It's not too late to disappoint her you know...

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

someone needs to name a hurricane after you

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(703): View more from Virginia

What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat

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(+61): View more from Australia

A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(205): View more from Alabama

You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?

(540): View more from Virginia

THATS VERY WEIRD

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(818): View more from California

Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"

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(562): View more from California

Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.

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(707): View more from California

I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm

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(707): View more from California

New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you need anything just hit me up

(845): View more from New York

Pancakes

(201): View more from New Jersey

Noted.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.

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(585): View more from New York

seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick

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(289): View more from Ontario

You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia

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(324): View more from

Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink

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(514): View more from Quebec

The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(+91): View more from India

I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night

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(315): View more from New York

Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate

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(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

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(619): View more from California

I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.

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(520): View more from Arizona

it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know that feel bro

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(650): View more from California

I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(415): View more from California

Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

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(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween

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(469): View more from Texas

Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?

(972): View more from Texas

This is why american education is failing

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(314): View more from Missouri

Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise

(802): View more from Vermont

Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.

(614): View more from Ohio

I'm Batman.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(205): View more from Alabama

You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

So when can I meet her?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales

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(206): View more from Washington

I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.

(425): View more from Washington

.... touche....

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(817): View more from Texas

I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Only if you died obviously.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"

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(254): View more from Texas

I have the starring role in a literal shit show.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live

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(212): View more from New York

My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.

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(714): View more from California

I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!

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(309): View more from Illinois

There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum

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(602): View more from Arizona

OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!

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(718): View more from New York

GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?

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(631): View more from New York

After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(309): View more from Illinois

And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(563): View more from Iowa

What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me

(1-563): View more from Iowa

You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding

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(812): View more from Indiana

god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends

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(619): View more from California

I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it

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(347): View more from New York

My day in three words: secret purse cake

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(416): View more from Toronto

whose parrot is this?

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(315): View more from New York

I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.

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(571): View more from Virginia

If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.

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(518): View more from New York

How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by

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(310): View more from California

They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing

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(408): View more from California

If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.

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(214): View more from Texas

I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!

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(816): View more from Missouri

The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?

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(905): View more from Ontario

So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?

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(636): View more from Missouri

he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.

(505): View more from New Mexico

But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(212): View more from New York

Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams

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(305): View more from Florida

Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!

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(516): View more from New York

This is classic penis vs brain.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My day in three words: secret purse cake

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(757): View more from Virginia

If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit is preposterous

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(425): View more from Washington

Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Drugs are gluten free tho, right?

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(765): View more from Indiana

Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child

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(541): View more from Oregon

Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors

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(312): View more from Illinois

Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical

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(251): View more from Alabama

Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.

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(410): View more from Maryland

no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(360): View more from Washington

Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.

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(951): View more from California

Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop

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(404): View more from Georgia

Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): View more from Arizona

It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.

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(815): View more from Illinois

the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff

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(248): View more from Michigan

People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.

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(254): View more from Texas

You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".

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(678): View more from Georgia

She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Sweet, got a date tomorrow night

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(952): View more from Minnesota

What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

I just got chills

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(985): View more from Louisiana

How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives

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(386): View more from Florida

You've never sent a girl a dick pic?

(772): View more from Florida

Call me old fashioned

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?

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(773): View more from Illinois

things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.

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(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

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(336): View more from North Carolina

DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"

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(480): View more from Arizona

And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.

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(909): View more from California

Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day

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(813): View more from Florida

I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

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(206): View more from Washington

She's going to hate me

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.

(425): View more from Washington

The rest will just start to agree

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(310): View more from California

My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.

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(256): View more from Alabama

On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.

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(425): View more from Washington

Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing

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(240): View more from Maryland

You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Or a taco

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.

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(289): View more from Ontario

"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.

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(434): View more from Virginia

You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater

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(954): View more from Florida

I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster

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(310): View more from California

Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.

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(760): View more from California

EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.

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(360): View more from Washington

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

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(209): View more from California

DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

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(785): View more from Kansas

That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(914): View more from New York

All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point

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(512): View more from Texas

So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control

(737): View more from Texas

we are the apple cider girls!

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?

(541): View more from Oregon

CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.

(313): View more from Michigan

No promises

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(207): View more from Maine

CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

(207): View more from Maine

Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?

Fav 2 898 570
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(503): View more from Oregon

I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.

Fav 3 922 478
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma

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(906): View more from Michigan

hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves

Fav 1 922 653
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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class

Fav 3 1472 529
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(803): View more from South Carolina

He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...

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(574): View more from Indiana

Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.

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(925): View more from California

I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough

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(928): View more from Arizona

He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.

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(817): View more from Texas

Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.

Fav 3 492 770
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(605): View more from South Dakota

I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex

(563): View more from Iowa

Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

Fav 5 1059 618
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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

Fav 3 1371 693
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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.

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(817): View more from Texas

Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard

(1-817): View more from Texas

Pass or fail tho

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(530): View more from California

hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back

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(802): View more from Vermont

She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth

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(517): View more from Michigan

for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.

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(727): View more from Florida

If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?

Fav 2 852 452
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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(210): View more from Texas

DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Both.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm cool with that

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.

Fav 3 681 510
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(707): View more from California

I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips

Fav 2 923 571
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.

Fav 12 1258 596
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?

Fav 3 682 590
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(650): View more from California

I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there

Fav 5 965 587
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(989): View more from Michigan

Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.

Fav 4 1109 578
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..

Fav 2 1421 521
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(209): View more from California

Why is my hat full of peanuts?

(719): View more from Colorado

Don't throw them out, I'm on my way

Fav 0 1007 553
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(415): View more from California

Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.

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(708): View more from Illinois

At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall

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(475): View more from Connecticut

So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance

Fav 2 1090 493
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(716): View more from New York

Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.

Fav 3 1272 493
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(256): View more from Alabama

my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

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(561): View more from Florida

It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.

Fav 5 1017 545
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(630): View more from Illinois

I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Best superhero ever to exist

Fav 6 1351 553
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(303): View more from Colorado

Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?

Fav 3 1032 621
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(571): View more from Virginia

Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended

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(596): View more from

Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck

Fav 2 912 566
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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(818): View more from California

Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.

Fav 1 977 544
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(256): View more from Alabama

Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?

Fav 3 1088 573
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(813): View more from Florida

Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey

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(616): View more from Michigan

Thank you for caring about my cervix.

Fav 1 832 461
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(847): View more from Illinois

bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.

(309): View more from Illinois

May the force be with you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat

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(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

Fav 4 1205 679
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(315): View more from New York

Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire

Fav 7 966 513
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(408): View more from California

Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain

Fav 2 975 555
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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.

(303): View more from Colorado

This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.

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(714): View more from California

I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina

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(713): View more from Texas

Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!

(281): View more from Texas

All I did was send my mom an ecard

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(706): View more from Georgia

If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?

(901): View more from Tennessee

Most definitely.

Fav 4 1190 603
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

What is your life?

(315): View more from New York

A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.

Fav 0 875 541
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity

Fav 4 651 529
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(216): View more from Ohio

After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory

Fav 6 1137 621
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(915): View more from Texas

I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.

Fav 5 624 923
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(940): View more from Texas

Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..

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(734): View more from Michigan

Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.

Fav 1 578 1075
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(323): View more from California

In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

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(850): View more from Florida

Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?

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(847): View more from Illinois

They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs

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(720): View more from Colorado

After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one

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(310): View more from California

That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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(585): View more from New York

If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.

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(210): View more from Texas

Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.

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(+81): View more from

I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.

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(925): View more from California

Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.

(650): View more from California

Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel

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(510): View more from California

Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.

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(702): View more from Nevada

we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night

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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

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(775): View more from Nevada

she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much

(702): View more from Nevada

you puked ON HER

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.

Fav 2 537 989
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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(727): View more from Florida

I felt guilty, it was so good!

(1-727): View more from Florida

Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I wearing a dog collar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night

Fav 1 523 1005
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(801): View more from Utah

Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

Fav 3 1090 652
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(404): View more from Georgia

Boobs are out for the taking

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

Fav 3 1108 849
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.

Fav 2 1117 590
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(216): View more from Ohio

I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.

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(386): View more from Florida

He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of

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(706): View more from Georgia

URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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(361): View more from Texas

Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."

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(573): View more from Missouri

Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."

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(949): View more from California

Amanda bynes is my spirit animal

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(330): View more from Ohio

im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(440): View more from Ohio

That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

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(206): View more from Washington

No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.

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(613): View more from Ontario

The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.

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(330): View more from Ohio

our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.

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(209): View more from California

I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(303): View more from Colorado

His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?

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(573): View more from Missouri

It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(947): View more from Michigan

Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?

(1-947): View more from Michigan

I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(562): View more from California

Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me

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(719): View more from Colorado

Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend

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(408): View more from California

Your text makes more sense read in reverse.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Is it rude if I don't go?

(248): View more from Michigan

No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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(310): View more from California

Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".

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(276): View more from Virginia

Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.

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(317): View more from Indiana

That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.

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(512): View more from Texas

Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?

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(248): View more from Michigan

in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(248): View more from Michigan

The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(360): View more from Washington

A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.

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(631): View more from New York

he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(404): View more from Georgia

I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce

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(949): View more from California

It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(904): View more from Florida

But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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(310): View more from California

Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.

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(816): View more from Missouri

TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.

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(705): View more from Ontario

We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know

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(940): View more from Texas

I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast

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(310): View more from California

All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "

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(936): View more from Texas

The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.

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(510): View more from California

So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find

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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Be safe. And I hate you.

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(801): View more from Utah

NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

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(289): View more from Ontario

For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"

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(714): View more from California

Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I need rollerblades now

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Rollerblades pick up bitches

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(574): View more from Indiana

I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.

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(616): View more from Michigan

just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working

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(516): View more from New York

Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?

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(305): View more from Florida

Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?

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(810): View more from Michigan

you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..

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(541): View more from Oregon

So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong

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(706): View more from Georgia

I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.

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(496): View more from

I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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(830): View more from Texas

It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.

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(619): View more from California

Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.

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(619): View more from California

I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now

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(206): View more from Washington

In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

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(858): View more from California

Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?

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(428): View more from

Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(330): View more from Ohio

Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.

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(512): View more from Texas

Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens

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(704): View more from North Carolina

sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats

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(706): View more from Georgia

i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(512): View more from Texas

"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(212): View more from New York

At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for

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(906): View more from Michigan

too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(240): View more from Maryland

She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths

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(819): View more from Quebec

I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

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(805): View more from California

I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.

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(415): View more from California

I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it

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(616): View more from Michigan

what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time

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(707): View more from California

Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(210): View more from Texas

I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.

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(334): View more from Alabama

OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her

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(216): View more from Ohio

Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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(801): View more from Utah

Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.

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(510): View more from California

how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on

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(914): View more from New York

There is an alarming amount of urine in here.

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(+61): View more from Australia

IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(480): View more from Arizona

"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(714): View more from California

There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.

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(914): View more from New York

We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!

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(248): View more from Michigan

About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public

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(518): View more from New York

No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.

(219): View more from Indiana

I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said

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(753): View more from

if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.

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(707): View more from California

He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you

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(330): View more from Ohio

He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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(310): View more from California

I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.

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(214): View more from Texas

Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight

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(512): View more from Texas

Whats your number? 5 or more?

(973): View more from New Jersey

Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let's get weird.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's 10 am...

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm assuming that means you're not busy...

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(972): View more from Texas

Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?

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(562): View more from California

There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.

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(305): View more from Florida

We don't watch enough power rangers

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(616): View more from Michigan

Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado

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(516): View more from New York

About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.

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(425): View more from Washington

we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats Poetry

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...

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(801): View more from Utah

You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.

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(289): View more from Ontario

God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

(519): View more from Ontario

Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank

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(775): View more from Nevada

This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

(501): View more from Arkansas

Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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(269): View more from Michigan

When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.

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(407): View more from Florida

At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(845): View more from New York

Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You need Xanax blowdarts

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(312): View more from Illinois

We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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(941): View more from Florida

im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna

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(204): View more from Manitoba

i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks

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(248): View more from Michigan

For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(616): View more from Michigan

this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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(845): View more from New York

Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.

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(212): View more from New York

I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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(312): View more from Illinois

I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

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(253): View more from Washington

So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

(1-253): View more from Washington

Wow, he seems so solid

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(586): View more from Michigan

My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.

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(360): View more from Washington

My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs

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(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we're breaking up

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(410): View more from Maryland

Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

(443): View more from Maryland

*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(949): View more from California

What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(330): View more from Ohio

Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(251): View more from Alabama

We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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(619): View more from California

The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it

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(573): View more from Missouri

I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.

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(949): View more from California

I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

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(226): View more from Ontario

While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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(212): View more from New York

We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(519): View more from Ontario

Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face

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(805): View more from California

If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(719): View more from Colorado

your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.

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(917): View more from New York City

Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms

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(208): View more from Idaho

Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.

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(813): View more from Florida

My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

Fav 4 1850 813
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(404): View more from Georgia

Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.

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(619): View more from California

I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix

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(619): View more from California

Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.

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(+61): View more from Australia

If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So, were they human bite marks at least?

(434): View more from Virginia

Your guess is as good as mine.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(705): View more from Ontario

There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!

Fav 2 1149 804
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS

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(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.

Fav 7 841 1004
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(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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(224): View more from Illinois

i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car

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(713): View more from Texas

Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

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(646): View more from New York

I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm a sociology major remember

(301): View more from Maryland

Well that and comm

(479): View more from Arkansas

Basically you majored in how to get laid

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.

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(510): View more from California

She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

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(912): View more from Georgia

If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing

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(818): View more from California

Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.

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(210): View more from Texas

Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

soon, soon....

(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....

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(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(858): View more from California

CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.

Fav 0 631 868
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.

Fav 6 1751 960
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(706): View more from Georgia

It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...

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(850): View more from Florida

If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

Fav 2 2313 781
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(714): View more from California

No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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(435): View more from Utah

It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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(518): View more from New York

Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(909): View more from California

I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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(770): View more from Georgia

Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...

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(816): View more from Missouri

Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Alive.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

So much puke

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(309): View more from Illinois

I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Tis the season.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.

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(509): View more from Washington

Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane

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(501): View more from Arkansas

After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...

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(209): View more from California

Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(904): View more from Florida

It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Cockoligist

(587): View more from Alberta

Yes, one may refer to me as that.

(587): View more from Alberta

I should make business cards.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(914): View more from New York

Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Croutons?

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(516): View more from New York

My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?

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(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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(512): View more from Texas

My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(770): View more from Georgia

How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

(678): View more from Georgia

4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

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(253): View more from Washington

Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm okay with that.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

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(312): View more from Illinois

It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.

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(917): View more from New York City

Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(619): View more from California

Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.

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(519): View more from Ontario

please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen

(1-519): View more from Ontario

i can't, we're worse now

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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(530): View more from California

they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(

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(925): View more from California

I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

Thats why they were on the balcony!

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg

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(303): View more from Colorado

You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.

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(818): View more from California

Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks

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(416): View more from Toronto

I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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(206): View more from Washington

You have to summon your inner elephant

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.

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(516): View more from New York

How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

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(620): View more from Kansas

Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.

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(949): View more from California

i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want

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(254): View more from Texas

The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy

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(607): View more from New York

I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.

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(562): View more from California

Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?

Fav 13 1767 687
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(415): View more from California

i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"

Fav 3 1219 739
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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

Fav 12 2811 1089
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(916): View more from California

WHY did you say no to the sex seance?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.

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(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(720): View more from Colorado

Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.

Fav 2 1019 758
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(910): View more from North Carolina

They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(307): View more from Wyoming

who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.

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(574): View more from Indiana

HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

Fav 15 2191 894
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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

(763): View more from Minnesota

How can a condom be "half used"?

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(518): View more from New York

I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

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(720): View more from Colorado

Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just feel like everything is too perfect

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Or both. Which is common

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated

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(812): View more from Indiana

the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(303): View more from Colorado

When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(234): View more from Ohio

Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.

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(830): View more from Texas

I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

Fav 1 1072 977
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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.

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(561): View more from Florida

She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party

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(216): View more from Ohio

Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

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(315): View more from New York

I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(206): View more from Washington

Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.

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(248): View more from Michigan

its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

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(949): View more from California

I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.

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(706): View more from Georgia

My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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(559): View more from California

I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

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(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway

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(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

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(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(650): View more from California

There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

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(313): View more from Michigan

What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

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(315): View more from New York

It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

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(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

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(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.

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(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

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(513): View more from Ohio

I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

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(317): View more from Indiana

Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm

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(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(301): View more from Maryland

That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

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(716): View more from New York

took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(239): View more from Florida

COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

(646): View more from New York

(239): View more from Florida

Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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(785): View more from Kansas

Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo

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(972): View more from Texas

Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...

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(352): View more from Florida

Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think that's mostly how we became friends.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!

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(310): View more from California

Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today

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(713): View more from Texas

I just got carded by a ten year old.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thank you for not boning my boss.

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(408): View more from California

Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

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(765): View more from Indiana

This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball

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(719): View more from Colorado

There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward

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(760): View more from California

The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

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(214): View more from Texas

Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm bringing the tv in with me.

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(562): View more from California

Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?

(916): View more from California

My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude

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(410): View more from Maryland

Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(313): View more from Michigan

we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles

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(410): View more from Maryland

What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.

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(845): View more from New York

Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?

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(845): View more from New York

My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(706): View more from Georgia

He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.

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(407): View more from Florida

It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.

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(386): View more from Florida

I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.

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(239): View more from Florida

Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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(650): View more from California

Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.

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(760): View more from California

This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes

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(+81): View more from

I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah...that's gonna come up in court

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(586): View more from Michigan

Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?

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(409): View more from Texas

You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?

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(319): View more from Iowa

If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.

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(562): View more from California

Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore

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(310): View more from California

So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

An old lady WILL get vomited on today.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Am I going to be on condom boxes?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.

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(940): View more from Texas

I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life

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(916): View more from California

Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.

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(361): View more from Texas

Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

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(435): View more from Utah

When did we convert life to cartoon?

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(785): View more from Kansas

The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man

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(631): View more from New York

I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.

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(407): View more from Florida

And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

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(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

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(+61): View more from Australia

one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

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(336): View more from North Carolina

She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.

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(727): View more from Florida

Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Again?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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(516): View more from New York

I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.

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(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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(406): View more from Montana

Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.

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(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow

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(503): View more from Oregon

That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm driving while wearing hulk hands

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(828): View more from North Carolina

nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses

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(512): View more from Texas

Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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(661): View more from California

How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.

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(254): View more from Texas

Do you think county jail has a Groupon?

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(937): View more from Ohio

NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.

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(407): View more from Florida

don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.

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(229): View more from Georgia

If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

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(714): View more from California

They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.

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(917): View more from New York City

no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(210): View more from Texas

This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

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(585): View more from New York

He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.

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(850): View more from Florida

Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me

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(207): View more from Maine

I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(207): View more from Maine

I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Last time i carry you out of a forest

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Shitshow foam night was such a success

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(415): View more from California

The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!

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(650): View more from California

You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?

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(816): View more from Missouri

where are you?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick

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(810): View more from Michigan

I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.

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(850): View more from Florida

My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco

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(503): View more from Oregon

How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Boobs speak an international language.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day

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(217): View more from Illinois

I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank

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(210): View more from Texas

I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.

(210): View more from Texas

my parents really loved me back then.

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(530): View more from California

red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(914): View more from New York

Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.

(309): View more from Illinois

Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.

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(541): View more from Oregon

oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home

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(970): View more from Colorado

He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere

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(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

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(540): View more from Virginia

There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.

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(289): View more from Ontario

This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."

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(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(231): View more from Michigan

The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.

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(714): View more from California

sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!

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(206): View more from Washington

How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice

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(804): View more from Virginia

Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry I peed on your everything.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

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(728): View more from

We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(214): View more from Texas

Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.

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(310): View more from California

Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.

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(302): View more from Delaware

How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(419): View more from Ohio

I have dibs on his crisis of faith.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

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(678): View more from Georgia

im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having

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(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?

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(904): View more from Florida

Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry my hands just texted you

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(234): View more from Ohio

For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.

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(921): View more from

Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?

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(435): View more from Utah

Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now

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(352): View more from Florida

But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!

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(760): View more from California

You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.

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(347): View more from New York

i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..

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(914): View more from New York

The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

And an everlasting friendship

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or

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(585): View more from New York

If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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(708): View more from Illinois

It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.

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(734): View more from Michigan

it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party

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(254): View more from Texas

Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think they're German

(203): View more from Connecticut

Just say lederhosen and see what happens

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again

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(585): View more from New York

By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.

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(607): View more from New York

You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

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(207): View more from Maine

I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo

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(705): View more from Ontario

I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

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(510): View more from California

Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.

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(716): View more from New York

The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(770): View more from Georgia

When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.

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(954): View more from Florida

The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(817): View more from Texas

Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.

(480): View more from Arizona

I told you I would

(931): View more from Tennessee

I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy

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(808): View more from Hawaii

My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(916): View more from California

this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse

(1-916): View more from California

People like that make this world a better place.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I had him autograph the condom wrapper.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The pigeons can smell the fear

(1+44): View more from

Wtf

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(440): View more from Ohio

I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife

(440): View more from Ohio

My tits sealed my fate

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(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss

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(256): View more from Alabama

i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

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(518): View more from New York

The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(574): View more from Indiana

No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(619): View more from California

The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.

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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(517): View more from Michigan

well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises

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(805): View more from California

how many dildos make it a "collection?"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(309): View more from Illinois

well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.

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(313): View more from Michigan

When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

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(904): View more from Florida

Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day

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(806): View more from Texas

There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(585): View more from New York

Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...

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(319): View more from Iowa

Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?

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(260): View more from Indiana

One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

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(972): View more from Texas

So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.

(281): View more from Texas

You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(818): View more from California

whose ass print is on the piano?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.

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(513): View more from Ohio

That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber

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(850): View more from Florida

Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(240): View more from Maryland

it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

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(616): View more from Michigan

i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?

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(435): View more from Utah

some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.

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(206): View more from Washington

Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.

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(310): View more from California

Just called the consul general of France "dude"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now

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(310): View more from California

We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(516): View more from New York

Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.

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(941): View more from Florida

Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you

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(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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(905): View more from Ontario

they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

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(940): View more from Texas

Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(404): View more from Georgia

If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.

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(845): View more from New York

Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.

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(509): View more from Washington

threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again

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(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(914): View more from New York

How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.

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(718): View more from New York

Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(443): View more from Maryland

I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(916): View more from California

I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(949): View more from California

am i gonna have visuals on this?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire

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(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!

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(251): View more from Alabama

Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.

(573): View more from Missouri

Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(714): View more from California

After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...

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(310): View more from California

Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

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(650): View more from California

He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups

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(406): View more from Montana

He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(517): View more from Michigan

winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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(631): View more from New York

I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"

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(312): View more from Illinois

All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party

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(858): View more from California

He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him

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(503): View more from Oregon

Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday

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(714): View more from California

A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent

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(847): View more from Illinois

stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?

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(443): View more from Maryland

So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity

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(775): View more from Nevada

Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

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(504): View more from Louisiana

if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch

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(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

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(302): View more from Delaware

I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(631): View more from New York

fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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(607): View more from New York

just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out

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(765): View more from Indiana

It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin

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(740): View more from Ohio

Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(407): View more from Florida

Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(404): View more from Georgia

STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult

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(214): View more from Texas

I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(719): View more from Colorado

There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra

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(571): View more from Virginia

Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.

(512): View more from Texas

I won

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!

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(812): View more from Indiana

I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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(760): View more from California

Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.

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(217): View more from Illinois

She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

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(813): View more from Florida

Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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(909): View more from California

I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(925): View more from California

We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children

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(828): View more from North Carolina

In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

Fav 7 2439 754
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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(415): View more from California

Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

Fav 3 2165 996
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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

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(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

Fav 3 1389 964
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(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

Fav 3 1177 1022
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(718): View more from New York

Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe

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(214): View more from Texas

I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair

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(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

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(207): View more from Maine

So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(214): View more from Texas

And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

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(618): View more from Illinois

College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

This is true but you can't really get fired from college

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(917): View more from New York City

hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

Fav 14 1070 2874
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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order

Fav 0 1478 713
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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.

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(260): View more from Indiana

the scent of your tears make me crave pizza

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(404): View more from Georgia

I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(312): View more from Illinois

That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.

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(941): View more from Florida

I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.

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(719): View more from Colorado

As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number

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(301): View more from Maryland

people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

Fav 9 1351 981
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(518): View more from New York

I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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(416): View more from Toronto

looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants

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(805): View more from California

i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(585): View more from New York

Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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(850): View more from Florida

Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(713): View more from Texas

My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls

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(909): View more from California

Every concussion has its silver lining

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(417): View more from Missouri

Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.

Fav 3 1835 805
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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.

(904): View more from Florida

Keeping it classy as usual I see

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(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(301): View more from Maryland

so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

(708): View more from Illinois

Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath

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(714): View more from California

So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(+55): View more from

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

He looks like he'd be great Lego character.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.

Fav 3 1804 825
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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(517): View more from Michigan

all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

Fav 5 2837 919
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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(909): View more from California

It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(831): View more from California

I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

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(512): View more from Texas

Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(315): View more from New York

I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

Fav 4 2507 955
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(705): View more from Ontario

I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen

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(206): View more from Washington

What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.

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(906): View more from Michigan

As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(509): View more from Washington

My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(970): View more from Colorado

That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

Fav 9 2038 890
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

(703): View more from Virginia

You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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(518): View more from New York

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.

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(941): View more from Florida

My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(310): View more from California

Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(404): View more from Georgia

This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"

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(347): View more from New York

Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?

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(310): View more from California

My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(707): View more from California

New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice

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(314): View more from Missouri

she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now

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(250): View more from British Columbia

God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.

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(804): View more from Virginia

How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..

(587): View more from Alberta

Wow. We're meant to be..

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(909): View more from California

Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon

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(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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(631): View more from New York

We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

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(972): View more from Texas

The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

(972): View more from Texas

OHHH and there was a Batman too.

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(210): View more from Texas

We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(703): View more from Virginia

From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(510): View more from California

in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.

(925): View more from California

he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(310): View more from California

This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.

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(619): View more from California

I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.

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(360): View more from Washington

Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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(516): View more from New York

i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.

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(425): View more from Washington

Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(361): View more from Texas

Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?

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(559): View more from California

I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(707): View more from California

Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(303): View more from Colorado

why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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(941): View more from Florida

Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(630): View more from Illinois

Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?

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(773): View more from Illinois

in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah he's good at that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(770): View more from Georgia

the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(281): View more from Texas

Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

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(914): View more from New York

Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?

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(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.

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(850): View more from Florida

I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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(509): View more from Washington

We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.

(1-509): View more from Washington

You had me at shuffleboard and strippers

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(503): View more from Oregon

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(613): View more from Ontario

Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.

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(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

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(925): View more from California

Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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(831): View more from California

tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..

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(602): View more from Arizona

JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.

(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.

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(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.

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(714): View more from California

I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(661): View more from California

Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?

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(817): View more from Texas

there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...

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(517): View more from Michigan

btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.

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(813): View more from Florida

no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything

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(585): View more from New York

Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(850): View more from Florida

Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here

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(269): View more from Michigan

P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come

(804): View more from Virginia

and you stopped teaching...why?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.

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(914): View more from New York

He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

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(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(585): View more from New York

He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."

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(747): View more from California

by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.

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(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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(646): View more from New York

last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(512): View more from Texas

studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

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(805): View more from California

Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(210): View more from Texas

he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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(802): View more from Vermont

So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.

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(602): View more from Arizona

just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him

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(518): View more from New York

Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance

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(314): View more from Missouri

This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(509): View more from Washington

Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(804): View more from Virginia

of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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(407): View more from Florida

Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.

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(845): View more from New York

Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

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(361): View more from Texas

Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(509): View more from Washington

Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college

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(360): View more from Washington

I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(760): View more from California

They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure

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(561): View more from Florida

I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.

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(708): View more from Illinois

That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!

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(517): View more from Michigan

There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.

(773): View more from Illinois

We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(504): View more from Louisiana

But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...

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(310): View more from California

we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.

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(408): View more from California

I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.

(512): View more from Texas

Wont she be proud, Hailey.

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(254): View more from Texas

Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.

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(817): View more from Texas

Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(253): View more from Washington

at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

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(1954): View more from

You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(516): View more from New York

My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(845): View more from New York

Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(432): View more from Texas

I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

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(323): View more from California

Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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(903): View more from Texas

As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(760): View more from California

I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(703): View more from Virginia

Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those

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(810): View more from Michigan

my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(518): View more from New York

I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much

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(716): View more from New York

you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless

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(207): View more from Maine

Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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(310): View more from California

Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!

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(716): View more from New York

Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(512): View more from Texas

I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective

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(253): View more from Washington

The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm at about main and main street

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(207): View more from Maine

remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(909): View more from California

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(631): View more from New York

Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(905): View more from Ontario

I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(817): View more from Texas

Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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(330): View more from Ohio

ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea

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(703): View more from Virginia

Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?

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(831): View more from California

I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(435): View more from Utah

Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(713): View more from Texas

Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.

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(518): View more from New York

At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(210): View more from Texas

Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?

(419): View more from Ohio

That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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(785): View more from Kansas

totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet

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(631): View more from New York

I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...

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(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.

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(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

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(816): View more from Missouri

this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?

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(323): View more from California

Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(909): View more from California

No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(301): View more from Maryland

do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.

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(563): View more from Iowa

WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room

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(847): View more from Illinois

If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(541): View more from Oregon

Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.

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(310): View more from California

Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone

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(269): View more from Michigan

I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

...i wondered where i left that...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(718): View more from New York

ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(519): View more from Ontario

There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(310): View more from California

I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear

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(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy

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(305): View more from Florida

Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(620): View more from Kansas

Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.

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(718): View more from New York

I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

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(524): View more from

How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(330): View more from Ohio

We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.

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(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(914): View more from New York

friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day

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(713): View more from Texas

screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS

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(216): View more from Ohio

Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(831): View more from California

The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.

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(419): View more from Ohio

PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

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(214): View more from Texas

I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

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(410): View more from Maryland

It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(212): View more from New York

There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

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(785): View more from Kansas

this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..

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(360): View more from Washington

The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(206): View more from Washington

Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..

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(907): View more from Alaska

On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Did you get your crutches off the street sign?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.

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(805): View more from California

Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(917): View more from New York City

There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes

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(428): View more from

she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.

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(559): View more from California

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.

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(636): View more from Missouri

If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician

(919): View more from North Carolina

3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.

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(779): View more from Illinois

explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

pants will make it better? really?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

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(517): View more from Michigan

We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.

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(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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(443): View more from Maryland

The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child

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(248): View more from Michigan

The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon

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(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(207): View more from Maine

I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(573): View more from Missouri

You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.

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(281): View more from Texas

Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(714): View more from California

It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(562): View more from California

Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?

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(512): View more from Texas

when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying

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(514): View more from Quebec

she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(512): View more from Texas

Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Trying to grind with crutches was not a success

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(716): View more from New York

The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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(850): View more from Florida

He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."

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(+27): View more from South Africa

You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

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(773): View more from Illinois

the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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(317): View more from Indiana

My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(740): View more from Ohio

Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(817): View more from Texas

So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I booty called her while she was in labor.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake

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(819): View more from Quebec

there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.

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(914): View more from New York

Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?

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(714): View more from California

She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(281): View more from Texas

Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(+61): View more from Australia

It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(520): View more from Arizona

There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(443): View more from Maryland

frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice

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(707): View more from California

Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.

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(817): View more from Texas

So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(540): View more from Virginia

Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(469): View more from Texas

Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing

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(714): View more from California

The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you

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(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(512): View more from Texas

At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

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(905): View more from Ontario

We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(815): View more from Illinois

Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(440): View more from Ohio

She swung at the pinata with crutches

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(360): View more from Washington

It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(416): View more from Toronto

When did you hit me on the head with a stool?

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(830): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call

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(352): View more from Florida

One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(708): View more from Illinois

Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!

(207): View more from Maine

I just puked in my drinking hat.

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(646): View more from New York

Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.

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(509): View more from Washington

There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(646): View more from New York

you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(301): View more from Maryland

Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.

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(361): View more from Texas

Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

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(903): View more from Texas

I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone

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(303): View more from Colorado

Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station

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(678): View more from Georgia

There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?

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(303): View more from Colorado

No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(772): View more from Florida

Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.

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(406): View more from Montana

I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(937): View more from Ohio

A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up

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(386): View more from Florida

well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(740): View more from Ohio

we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(845): View more from New York

Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(530): View more from California

i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

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(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(256): View more from Alabama

Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(231): View more from Michigan

using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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(949): View more from California

Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(949): View more from California

Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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(716): View more from New York

Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(714): View more from California

Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

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(631): View more from New York

only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..

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(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(319): View more from Iowa

You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(352): View more from Florida

Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

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(516): View more from New York

i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.

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(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(440): View more from Ohio

the ladder is at the bottom of the pool

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(309): View more from Illinois

She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(707): View more from California

My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

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(903): View more from Texas

I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(661): View more from California

fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(419): View more from Ohio

its not a party unless mikie exposes himself

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(650): View more from California

That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

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(205): View more from Alabama

They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

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(850): View more from Florida

It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(478): View more from Georgia

wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

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(407): View more from Florida

He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Let me guess--your parents are cousins.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(816): View more from Missouri

There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(602): View more from Arizona

You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(530): View more from California

Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(757): View more from Virginia

The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.

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(727): View more from Florida

at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

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(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

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(678): View more from Georgia

We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(916): View more from California

when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

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(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(949): View more from California

I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

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(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

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(618): View more from Illinois

Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to

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(518): View more from New York

I want a grilled cheese and an IV

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(319): View more from Iowa

I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.

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(708): View more from Illinois

there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

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(817): View more from Texas

did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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(406): View more from Montana

I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(714): View more from California

found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(801): View more from Utah

I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(419): View more from Ohio

Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(818): View more from California

The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

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(425): View more from Washington

She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(360): View more from Washington

True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(970): View more from Colorado

found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on

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(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

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(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

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(561): View more from Florida

They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(805): View more from California

found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(940): View more from Texas

I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(512): View more from Texas

They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(678): View more from Georgia

My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

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(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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(727): View more from Florida

And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(845): View more from New York

you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(239): View more from Florida

MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.

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(315): View more from New York

Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

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(515): View more from Iowa

We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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(408): View more from California

I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(361): View more from Texas

Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(773): View more from Illinois

What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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(573): View more from Missouri

I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just googled if crying burns calories

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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(317): View more from Indiana

Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...

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(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

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(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?

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(305): View more from Florida

We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.

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(409): View more from Texas

i wish i coudl send you meat via computure

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

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(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka

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(915): View more from Texas

You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

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(613): View more from Ontario

you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels

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(845): View more from New York

Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew

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(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(661): View more from California

Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(443): View more from Maryland

also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(315): View more from New York

Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...

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(904): View more from Florida

You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar

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(817): View more from Texas

but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had to coat check the pizza.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(217): View more from Illinois

dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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(630): View more from Illinois

yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed

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(954): View more from Florida

Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?

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(530): View more from California

and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(914): View more from New York

Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

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(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.

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(586): View more from Michigan

from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

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(630): View more from Illinois

im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.

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(785): View more from Kansas

sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time

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(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

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(512): View more from Texas

You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

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(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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(716): View more from New York

Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

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(216): View more from Ohio

there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(816): View more from Missouri

And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(281): View more from Texas

and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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(281): View more from Texas

threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.

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(716): View more from New York

Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(817): View more from Texas

Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(772): View more from Florida

No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(443): View more from Maryland

Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket

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(212): View more from New York

we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(804): View more from Virginia

.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you

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(207): View more from Maine

i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are paw prints all over my ceiling.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

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(810): View more from Michigan

There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.

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(914): View more from New York

I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(404): View more from Georgia

Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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(406): View more from Montana

just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got booed by the entire restaurant.

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(937): View more from Ohio

All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely

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(415): View more from California

i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(347): View more from New York

It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

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(519): View more from Ontario

Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(909): View more from California

I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(719): View more from Colorado

On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

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(330): View more from Ohio

beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She bit a glass in half.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(254): View more from Texas

Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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(703): View more from Virginia

If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(708): View more from Illinois

This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram

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(909): View more from California

that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though

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(979): View more from Texas

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

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(734): View more from Michigan

By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener

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(214): View more from Texas

More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings

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(905): View more from Ontario

ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(971): View more from Oregon

Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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(917): View more from New York City

Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(510): View more from California

note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.

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(365): View more from

I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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(765): View more from Indiana

did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?

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(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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(925): View more from California

Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.

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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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(312): View more from Illinois

...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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(248): View more from Michigan

Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(813): View more from Florida

peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week

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(513): View more from Ohio

im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(253): View more from Washington

thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Now he's lighting his socks on fire

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

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(806): View more from Texas

i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...

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(512): View more from Texas

I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(970): View more from Colorado

There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better

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(516): View more from New York

Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

(917): View more from New York City

Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

you didn't get her number why?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out

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(440): View more from Ohio

maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(770): View more from Georgia

He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He tried peeing out of the sunroof.

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(850): View more from Florida

does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(559): View more from California

He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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(406): View more from Montana

It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(360): View more from Washington

tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(512): View more from Texas

Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

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(619): View more from California

If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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(419): View more from Ohio

I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character

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(216): View more from Ohio

For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

bloody. ill be home soon.

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(408): View more from California

Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.

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(224): View more from Illinois

you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(408): View more from California

I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(404): View more from Georgia

On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(802): View more from Vermont

My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma

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(360): View more from Washington

I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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(561): View more from Florida

And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?

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(916): View more from California

I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk

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(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(214): View more from Texas

she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(315): View more from New York

apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

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(360): View more from Washington

No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(281): View more from Texas

Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(408): View more from California

Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

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(305): View more from Florida

what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(951): View more from California

I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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(404): View more from Georgia

just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.

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(719): View more from Colorado

You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(817): View more from Texas

And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

cat food counts as protein by the way

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(754): View more from Florida

Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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(205): View more from Alabama

Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(708): View more from Illinois

She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(309): View more from Illinois

The "puke-towel" started to grow something...

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.

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(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it

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(530): View more from California

the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(732): View more from New Jersey

people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.

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(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(514): View more from Quebec

Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(330): View more from Ohio

nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(815): View more from Illinois

Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(815): View more from Illinois

shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

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(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.

(347): View more from New York

Something to remember me by.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(770): View more from Georgia

I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(209): View more from California

Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(913): View more from Kansas

What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

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(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(954): View more from Florida

I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(817): View more from Texas

90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

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(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(480): View more from Arizona

Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(954): View more from Florida

my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(845): View more from New York

hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(561): View more from Florida

My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(716): View more from New York

sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner

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(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(212): View more from New York

It's never good when you wake up covered with burns

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(301): View more from Maryland

Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(281): View more from Texas

My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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(805): View more from California

My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

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(315): View more from New York

You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(217): View more from Illinois

I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(630): View more from Illinois

i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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(727): View more from Florida

In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(301): View more from Maryland

seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...

(443): View more from Maryland

that's spring break in florida for ya

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

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(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(913): View more from Kansas

he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(208): View more from Idaho

just looked at his mug shot... not really my type

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(714): View more from California

Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(925): View more from California

Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(309): View more from Illinois

In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.

(217): View more from Illinois

gotta love wednesdays

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school

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(703): View more from Virginia

I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar

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(845): View more from New York

Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.

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(858): View more from California

i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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(843): View more from South Carolina

did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I wish i was in the wii world.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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(813): View more from Florida

I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???

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(805): View more from California

he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(701): View more from North Dakota

that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.

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(646): View more from New York

You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.

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(707): View more from California

get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(305): View more from Florida

just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(630): View more from Illinois

something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(702): View more from Nevada

no you cant smoke seaweed

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(941): View more from Florida

Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread

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(585): View more from New York

okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(404): View more from Georgia

There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.

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(718): View more from New York

did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.

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(561): View more from Florida

It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

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(940): View more from Texas

good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(573): View more from Missouri

Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better

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(907): View more from Alaska

How are you feeling today?

(330): View more from Ohio

i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

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(949): View more from California

hell yes lets make some ravioli

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ur plase or mine? lol

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

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(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

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(815): View more from Illinois

escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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(619): View more from California

I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

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(650): View more from California

So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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(903): View more from Texas

pop tarts are not kleenex

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(660): View more from Missouri

i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(631): View more from New York

Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(912): View more from Georgia

She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(760): View more from California

Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(503): View more from Oregon

How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

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(410): View more from Maryland

...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(636): View more from Missouri

trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?

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(316): View more from Kansas

she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(586): View more from Michigan

Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Happy Birthday

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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(518): View more from New York

are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester

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(541): View more from Oregon

he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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(214): View more from Texas

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(847): View more from Illinois

no one should ever give us hovercrafts

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just remember telling jokes while vomitting

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

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(907): View more from Alaska

Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(305): View more from Florida

Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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(716): View more from New York

So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again

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(408): View more from California

there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.

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(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

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(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(206): View more from Washington

puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(812): View more from Indiana

Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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