Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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