I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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