I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
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