Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I didn't notice because vodka
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
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