Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
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