What's dad's email?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
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