It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Loading more great texts...