He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
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