pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Send us your Text From Last Night!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think a kid would responsible me up
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
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