I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
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