Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Loading more great texts...