Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
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